Un-Valentines Day

Marc and I aren't big fans of V Day. It's too commercialized and expensive. We haven't celebrated Valentines Day in about 15 years....not kidding. When Marc and I started dating we did go out a few time on February 14. We went to dinner and we sat in crowded restaurants eating over priced food. Sometimes he would buy me over priced flowers and we would pay $6 for that Hallmark card that had the 'perfect' sentiment.

I don't need a 'special' day to tell me I'm loved. I know it. It's in the every day things. It's the way I'm greeted at the door when I come home, the way Marc looks at me from across the room, any room at any time. The way he subconsciously reaches for my hand. It is in the arm thrown around me and the spooning in the middle of the night and, yes, it's in the way he randomly gropes me, even when I complain and express my frustration with it. I'm sure I would miss it if he stopped doing it. (Can't believe I'm admitting that).

This is the first Valentines Day in 20 years that I'm alone, as Marc is in Vancouver working for the Olympics. This year is the first in many that I actually bought Marc a Valentine's Day card. One that I went to 3 different card stores for, searching to find one that expresses what I felt. I finally found one that I don't think expresses it enough but was pretty close. So yes, this year I bought into this stupid, waste-of-money, overpriced, commercialized day in hopes that my $6 card shows him that even if he is 2,000 miles away, he is loved.

A love letter to my husband

Remember a year ago when you told me you were applying to volunteer at the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver? My response was to laugh and say "go ahead and apply but there was no way in hell you were going and leaving me and the kids that long so you could get the idea out of your head." Remember when you told me that you were going on the interview? I said, "whatever, but there was still no way in hell you are leaving me for that long."

Then do you remember when you were notified that you had got the job and I said, "forget it, there was no way in hell that you were leaving?"

What I really meant to say is how lucky you are that you get to take part in a little piece of our country’s history. How proud I am of you that you took that first step towards being involved with an event that you truly love. What I really meant to say was that I hope you have a hell of a time, take lots of pictures and I can't wait to hear the stories of your adventure.

What I really meant to say was that I love you and that I will miss you terribly but am very, very happy for you.

Be safe.
xo

A bond never to be broken

Shortly after Marissa was born I started to hemorrhage. It was scary at the moment, I had never seen so much blood nor have I heard the pounding of footsteps coming down a hospital hall knowing they were running to get to me. They were quick to respond and quick to get the bleeding stopped. They had to massage my uterus (mmm, yeah...no details needed and definitely not the kind of massage you want when you have given birth just 5 hours before) and gave me an IV full of Pitocin to start getting my uterus to contract. They informed me they were taking my new born daughter to the nursery because I was weak from blood loss. I asked them to reconsider as I honestly did not want to be separated from her but they could not leave her with me…liability they said, it was safer for the baby. They took her away and I was honestly surprised how quickly sleep came for me. The kind of hard sleep you fall into when your body is completely exhausted.

2 hours later the nurse woke me and said they couldn’t get her to stop crying. Apparently, my yet-to-be-named little girl, had been crying for the entire time that she had been in the nursery. The nurse asked if I felt strong enough to have them bring her back. Of course I said, bring her to me. The nurse came back with my beautiful angry, screaming, red faced baby. The nurse placed her in my arms and literally within seconds the screaming stopped and she fell fast asleep. The nurse smiled at me and said that we were bonded, that this was a true sign of a mother/daughter connection that science can’t even explain…it just is. I felt like the most powerful woman alive. With only a touch I was able to comfort my little girl and had the ability to make her feel safe and warm enough that she was finally able to drift to sleep. I laid her in the hospital bed next to me and we both slept for 4 more solid hours.
Although I truly loved her from the minute that I knew she was the size of a pea in my belly, I feel that this moment created a bond between us that hopefully nothing can break.

Over the next 12 months she cried…a lot. She was easily comforted by being close to me so she spent the better part of the day in the Baby Bjorn and slept on my chest at night. Even now, she seeks me out for comfort and is still soothed by only my touch. She instantly knows when I enter a room and when I leave it. There have been days when I am suddenly overwhelmed by a feeling that something is wrong with her and have called her childcare provider only to find out that yes, she is having a rough day or that she isn't feeling well.

I truly believe I am connected to my daughter, mentally and spiritually, in a way that I cannot explain.

I came home last week from a particularly horrible day at work. I was feeling sorry for myself and felt completely discouraged and beaten down. I put a movie on for the kids and sat down on the couch. Tears of frustration on the verge of spilling over, rehashing the day and planning how I was going to handle everything tomorrow, when Marissa looked at me with those big blue eyes, came over to me and crawled into my lap. She settled into the crook of my arm and rested her head on my shoulder. After a few moments she looked up at me, smiled and simply whispered “mommy”. The stress and worry of the day simply vanished. I hugged her close and even after the movie was over, she continued to let me hold her in silence. My cheek rested on her head and I knew in my heart that she was comforting me with her touch. And my God it worked. It was pure magic and she knew it. I know she did.

Thank you baby girl.