Lucky number 7

My life changed drastically 7 years ago today when, my son, Aiden was born. He was my first born and he had my heart from day one. I mean literally had my heart the second 2 pink stripes appeared on that pee stick I was completely in love with him.

I would like to tell you something about him in honour of this day.

He is so incredibly creative and imaginative. He loves to develop and write stories with characters in it that can only come from his ideas and thoughts.

The art that he creates, be it a picture he draws or a costume he creates, you can be sure that every detail is thought of, from spectacular laser beam guns to the extra powerful goggles that can see all the way to China.

He loves to make up games and comes up with names and rules for all of them sometimes not even taking a breath or a moment to think about it. You have to pay attention when you are playing though. New rules are added or the old rules change at the blink of an eye as the game progresses (He does own the intellectual property on them so he’s entitled).

He likes to make ‘potions’ and create things in the kitchen that Julia Child would be proud of. He is not afraid to try different things just to see what happens. He usually has me on the edge of my seat waiting for the strange reaction he is so convinced will happen.

Aiden leaves a wake of destruction behind when he is in his creative mode. It always amazes me how one little boy can leave such a mess behind. He writes one story or draws one picture and it looks like a bomb went off in the room he’s working in. Don’t even get me started on the kitchen after he’s made dessert, following the recipe in his head of course. As much as I dislike the mess now I know that it will one day, all too soon, be gone. Probably long before I am prepared for or want it to.

His creativity is but just one thing that makes up the gorgeous but complex little boy with brown hair and freckles living in my house. Trust me, I could go on, in great detail about him and all the wonder and joy he brings to us. 

As I tucked him into bed last night I asked if his last day as a 6 year old was a good one. He confided in me that he wishes he could be 6 just a little longer.

As I kissed my 7 year old goodbye this morning, so did I.

Happy birthday to my beautiful boy. May 7 be your luckiest and best year ever!

My goodbye to you

A man who I considered a friend is no longer on this earth. He died last night after a short but brave battle with cancer. He is the very first person I knew who was my age to die. Strange.

In his wake, he leaves behind many people who love him. People who will always love him and mourn him for a very long time. Ross Robertson is not a person who you quickly forget.

I remember the first time I met him, a young handsome man with a devilish smile and a wicked sense of humour. He fell in love and married my best friend and I was lucky to know him for a time. He raised my friends daughter, my beautiful god daughter, like she was his own. He loved her fiercely and completely, regardless of DNA. She felt the same way. My heart aches for her and her pain today.

He was self taught musically and could play any song on any instrument just by ear. He made up funny songs that made you laugh and leave you waiting for the next lyrical jingle he would create. He loved his family and friends. He loved to spend time in the garage ‘tinkering’ with his sleds. Marc spent hours in there with him when we visited, we knew there wasn’t a lot of tinkering going on, just beer drinking and laughing, but I know Marc is happy to have those memories of a man he considered his friend.

Sadly, their marriage ended about 2 years ago. It ended as amicably as it could have and with respect for one another but, as often with failed marriages, you leave with the person who was your friend prior to that relationship. I haven’t seen or spoken to Ross in that time. Not because I wanted the friendship to end, but because it was just awkward and strange for us to continue it. Neither of us knew how to maintain a friendship with so much baggage, so we let it go. Now, I am wishing I had just one moment back to tell him what a wonderful person he was. How amazing I think he is for taking in that little girl 16 years ago and loving her the way he did. Regardless of his faults, which we all have as human beings, I am grateful to him for the laughter and friendship we had. I am grateful for the memories of the weekends spent at his camp around the campfire. He always welcomed us with a drink and a smile. We never felt unwanted or uninvited in his home. There was always room. I am grateful to him for letting me be such a big part of his wedding day. It was beautiful and we danced under the stars that night. Regardless of how it all ended it started with nothing but love.

This is my goodbye and although you may never know it, I wish I had reached out to you 2 years ago to let you know I still thought of you as a friend. Life is full of regrets, this is one of mine.

May they have beer and guitars in heaven and may you always know peace.

Happy birthday baby girl

2 years ago today on a sunny spring morning my little girl entered this world and it has irrevocably changed my life.

I watched a glorious sun rise on that morning from the back of the ambulance and I thought how perfect, a brand new baby on a brand new day. When I finally held her she had me spellbound. 9 pounds of pure magic with blue eyes.

Behind those blue eyes is the sweetest, sassiest, funniest 2 year old I know. She radiates with beauty, and although I know beauty comes from the heart, every time I look at her face, spattered with the tiniest freckles, I am in awe of how I could take part in the creation of something so stunning.



2 years ago today our family of 3 became a family of 4. She is a joy, a blessing and loved more than she could ever know.

Now, let’s eat cake!!

Barney has a new enemy

Our household has escaped the big purple dinosaur, until recently. Aiden had never even seen an episode of Barney until we discovered Marissa loves the show, much to Marc's chagrin. Honestly, the show is not as horrendous as everyone claims and some of the songs are actually quite catchy.

This morning over cereal I was singing the familiar song from Barney to Marissa.
“I love you, you love me, we’re a happy family…” you know how it goes.

My lovely rendition of the song was suddenly interrupted when Aiden starts making machine gun noises and yells “Shut the hell up!”

The silence that immediately followed and the look of utter shock on my face must have registered with my little guy because he quickly turned a shade of pink and very quietly said “What? Ben said he saw it in a movie”. Ben is a friend of his in Grade 1, whose name has been heard a lot this past week. I haven't met Ben, but when I do I will be sure to thank him for sharing that bit of movie trivia with my son.

As if on queue, Marissa starts to laugh and begins to imitate the machine gun noise too.

Aiden quickly tries to save himself….”See mom, even Marissa knows”

This is when I started to laugh. Cause really, what else could I do?

Un-Valentines Day

Marc and I aren't big fans of V Day. It's too commercialized and expensive. We haven't celebrated Valentines Day in about 15 years....not kidding. When Marc and I started dating we did go out a few time on February 14. We went to dinner and we sat in crowded restaurants eating over priced food. Sometimes he would buy me over priced flowers and we would pay $6 for that Hallmark card that had the 'perfect' sentiment.

I don't need a 'special' day to tell me I'm loved. I know it. It's in the every day things. It's the way I'm greeted at the door when I come home, the way Marc looks at me from across the room, any room at any time. The way he subconsciously reaches for my hand. It is in the arm thrown around me and the spooning in the middle of the night and, yes, it's in the way he randomly gropes me, even when I complain and express my frustration with it. I'm sure I would miss it if he stopped doing it. (Can't believe I'm admitting that).

This is the first Valentines Day in 20 years that I'm alone, as Marc is in Vancouver working for the Olympics. This year is the first in many that I actually bought Marc a Valentine's Day card. One that I went to 3 different card stores for, searching to find one that expresses what I felt. I finally found one that I don't think expresses it enough but was pretty close. So yes, this year I bought into this stupid, waste-of-money, overpriced, commercialized day in hopes that my $6 card shows him that even if he is 2,000 miles away, he is loved.

A love letter to my husband

Remember a year ago when you told me you were applying to volunteer at the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver? My response was to laugh and say "go ahead and apply but there was no way in hell you were going and leaving me and the kids that long so you could get the idea out of your head." Remember when you told me that you were going on the interview? I said, "whatever, but there was still no way in hell you are leaving me for that long."

Then do you remember when you were notified that you had got the job and I said, "forget it, there was no way in hell that you were leaving?"

What I really meant to say is how lucky you are that you get to take part in a little piece of our country’s history. How proud I am of you that you took that first step towards being involved with an event that you truly love. What I really meant to say was that I hope you have a hell of a time, take lots of pictures and I can't wait to hear the stories of your adventure.

What I really meant to say was that I love you and that I will miss you terribly but am very, very happy for you.

Be safe.
xo

A bond never to be broken

Shortly after Marissa was born I started to hemorrhage. It was scary at the moment, I had never seen so much blood nor have I heard the pounding of footsteps coming down a hospital hall knowing they were running to get to me. They were quick to respond and quick to get the bleeding stopped. They had to massage my uterus (mmm, yeah...no details needed and definitely not the kind of massage you want when you have given birth just 5 hours before) and gave me an IV full of Pitocin to start getting my uterus to contract. They informed me they were taking my new born daughter to the nursery because I was weak from blood loss. I asked them to reconsider as I honestly did not want to be separated from her but they could not leave her with me…liability they said, it was safer for the baby. They took her away and I was honestly surprised how quickly sleep came for me. The kind of hard sleep you fall into when your body is completely exhausted.

2 hours later the nurse woke me and said they couldn’t get her to stop crying. Apparently, my yet-to-be-named little girl, had been crying for the entire time that she had been in the nursery. The nurse asked if I felt strong enough to have them bring her back. Of course I said, bring her to me. The nurse came back with my beautiful angry, screaming, red faced baby. The nurse placed her in my arms and literally within seconds the screaming stopped and she fell fast asleep. The nurse smiled at me and said that we were bonded, that this was a true sign of a mother/daughter connection that science can’t even explain…it just is. I felt like the most powerful woman alive. With only a touch I was able to comfort my little girl and had the ability to make her feel safe and warm enough that she was finally able to drift to sleep. I laid her in the hospital bed next to me and we both slept for 4 more solid hours.
Although I truly loved her from the minute that I knew she was the size of a pea in my belly, I feel that this moment created a bond between us that hopefully nothing can break.

Over the next 12 months she cried…a lot. She was easily comforted by being close to me so she spent the better part of the day in the Baby Bjorn and slept on my chest at night. Even now, she seeks me out for comfort and is still soothed by only my touch. She instantly knows when I enter a room and when I leave it. There have been days when I am suddenly overwhelmed by a feeling that something is wrong with her and have called her childcare provider only to find out that yes, she is having a rough day or that she isn't feeling well.

I truly believe I am connected to my daughter, mentally and spiritually, in a way that I cannot explain.

I came home last week from a particularly horrible day at work. I was feeling sorry for myself and felt completely discouraged and beaten down. I put a movie on for the kids and sat down on the couch. Tears of frustration on the verge of spilling over, rehashing the day and planning how I was going to handle everything tomorrow, when Marissa looked at me with those big blue eyes, came over to me and crawled into my lap. She settled into the crook of my arm and rested her head on my shoulder. After a few moments she looked up at me, smiled and simply whispered “mommy”. The stress and worry of the day simply vanished. I hugged her close and even after the movie was over, she continued to let me hold her in silence. My cheek rested on her head and I knew in my heart that she was comforting me with her touch. And my God it worked. It was pure magic and she knew it. I know she did.

Thank you baby girl.